Dear Dad,
Do you remember that crazy time, 5 years ago, when I was running to shul -- "barreling down the block" I used to say -- 3 times a day to say Kaddish? I remember.
Do you remember how Uncle Paul was my backup and Kaddish-Partner-In-Crime, which took some pressure off when there were days I was not able to make it? I'm thinking about that too, since today is his birthday.
Do you remember last year, when your grandchild was due any minute and I didn't know if I would be able to make it to shul, so we had rabbis in two different shuls make a point of saying Kaddish for you and having a little l'chaim? In the end I made it to an outdoor minyan, but how could I possibly forget the uncertainty that the baby might arrive on your yortzeit.
And did you see, this morning, how I sat down near your yortzeit candle with your little grandson, who bears your name, and told him about you?
I can't believe it's been 5 years since I've been able to talk to you and hear your words in your voice in response. I've known this day was coming for a long time, and yet it still somehow crept up on me. I have so much to say and yet no words will come.
Do you remember how worried I was at first - that I would forget things about you? I'm glad I took notes on the stories shared during shiva, but I realize now that it was not necessary. I won't forget. I can't forget. I'm glad to have them written down, but it's not as difficult as I feared to remember. I know now that you are a part of me and always will be.
I hope you're happy where you are and that you can see what's been going on down here. We're doing well, but we miss you so much.
Love always,
Amy
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I am an educator who is trained to reflect, not a rabbi or any type of halachic authority. These writings are in no way binding, and may not represent all approaches to and experiences in navigating grief. In fact, there will likely be those who disagree with me or can offer additional suggestions and reflections. For this reason, I am leaving the comments section open so that together as a community, we can broaden the scope of this blog to include a majority of human experience.
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