Thursday, October 26, 2017

Kaddish - A Daily Ordeal (and How Shuls Can Help)

Reciting kaddish daily after the death of a close family member can be trying at the best of times.  FIRST, there is the tetris challenge adjusting your schedule around changing minyan times.  THEN comes the feat of arriving at the start of services, which can be likened to running to catch a train three times a day.  FINALLY, there is the stress of keeping up with the chazzan, so as to be ready to recite the Mourner’s Kaddish in the appropriate places in the service.  While these three challenges are shared by all, after this point, the experience diverges for male and female mourners.  


Male mourners may be faced with the chiyuv, the obligation, to lead the service and catch a few extra kaddishes in memory of their loved one.  They may receive diverse feedback regarding the pacing, speed and volume of their performance, which can be confusing at best, or hurtful depending on how it is offered.


Female mourners have a different set of challenges.  On any given day, most of the following thoughts flit through my head during the service:

  • OK, I’m here… I’ve entered (or found, or constructed or negotiated for) the women’s section.  Will there be a minyan for the early kaddish?  
  • Will there be anyone saying kaddish on the men’s side?  I don’t want to say kaddish aloud on my own unless I know that the Shul will support me in doing so.  
  • Do I need to alert someone that I’m here to say kaddish?  How can I get their attention?
  • Will I be able to hear the man’s kaddish? Will I be able to keep pace?
  • What if I miss a beat and pause at different intervals than the others.  Will anyone answer to my kaddish? Or will I be greeted by silence?
  • I wish I didn’t have to be sitting here alone.
  • Oh good, company!  … but I hope she’s not here to say kaddish too...
  • Oh no… glad to have company, so sad we have to meet under these circumstances.
  • I don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb; it feels strange and uncomfortable to hear my voice in a shul service.
  • Will they think I’m trying to make a “statement?”  
  • I never asked for ANY of this!
  • Gosh I miss my father…



How a Shul Can Be More Friendly to Women Saying Kaddish

  • Ensure that men do not sit in the Women’s Section.
  • Make sure that the Women’s Section is unlocked, with lights, air conditioning, and siddurim available to all who arrive at whatever time they arrive.
  • Ask the male mourners (or at the very least one male mourner) to stand near the women’s section so any women saying kaddish can keep pace with him (it can be hard to hear a group scattered throughout the room and keep pace with one person).
  • Arrange for someone on the men’s side to recite kaddish at the minyan every day, on behalf of anyone who needs to follow along (and may not make themselves known in advance).
  • Delegate a gabbai, officer, or member at large to welcome women when they arrive and/or at least be available to notice if a woman tries to signal that she is there to recite kaddish.
  • Create “notification cards” in the women’s section that can be passed to the rabbi or gabbai to notify them that a women is planning to recite kaddish at this minyan (so that the minyan can make whatever preparation necessary to ensure that kaddish is not skipped or rushed through).




How a Shul Can be More Accommodating to All Mourners

  • Set a consistent pace:
    • Designate one individual to recite Kaddish loudly and set the pace for all. This could be the Chazzan (Leader) or someone with a loud voice.
    • Designate a central location from which Kaddish is recited by all (preferably near the woman's section so women can easily hear and keep pace).
    • Announce "Kaddish" so that mourners can collectively begin at the same time.
    • Make an effort to minimize talking during this time, as well as noises that emanate from movement (chair scratching, doors closing, etc.), because this makes it more difficult for mourners to hear each other and keep pace.
  • Recommend that the Chazzan breathe (pause) before finishing Aleinu - to give those reciting Kaddish a chance to finish or come to a good stopping point before the Kaddish that follows.

  • Have copies of both the Mourner's Kaddish and the Rabbi's Kaddish available separate from the siddur (so that a mourner arriving just in time has quick and easy access to the words).
    • These pages can include transliteration for those who need and a note of when kaddish is recited by that specific minyan.
  • A little preparation makes a big difference:
    • Letting a new arrival know when during the service Kaddish is to be recited is very helpful (also managing expectations by giving a heads' up that there may not be a minyan for the first Kaddish will go a long way).
    • Announcing page numbers (so the text can be quickly found).
  • Encourage congregants to turn toward and respond when Kaddish is recited.



No comments:

Post a Comment

I am an educator who is trained to reflect, not a rabbi or any type of halachic authority. These writings are in no way binding, and may not represent all approaches to and experiences in navigating grief. In fact, there will likely be those who disagree with me or can offer additional suggestions and reflections. For this reason, I am leaving the comments section open so that together as a community, we can broaden the scope of this blog to include a majority of human experience.

One important request: Please be respectful in posting your comments and be sure to frame your tips in the most positive phrasing possible. I reserve the right to delete any unkind comments and plan to update the original posts occasionally to include additional insights and reflections from our combined experience.

A Deep Breath - Year 6

It's time for a pause in the midst of a busy week.   Tonight is the 24th of Av, otherwise known from now on as my father's yortzeit ...