As someone who values my privacy and prefers not to be the center of attention, I was initially reluctant to share the news of my father’s death beyond a small circle of close friends. I struggled with whom to tell, when, how, and in what way. Shocked by the suddenness of it all, at first I shared with only a few close friends. As the day went on, and reality started to slowly seep in, I decided to share the news with my synagogue community and eventually a post on Facebook.
In retrospect, these were the best decisions. My choice to publicly share my sad news allowed friends from elementary school, teachers from high school and even recent beaux to come to shiva to pay their respects. The outpouring of love from both close and distant acquaintances helped to add a cushion to the most difficult period of my life. I am grateful to all who reached out to offer comfort, and all the more grateful that I gave them that chance by spreading the word.
How Friends and Clergy Can Help
~ Ask before sharing news to make sure mourner is prepared to respond to outpouring of sympathy.
~ Suggest communities where the information can be posted (synagogue groups, schools, clubs and social organizations)
~ Offer to take on the role of notifying others on behalf of the bereaved
~ Take a moment to read through and edit any information sent to you by the mourner... they may not have the headspace to check spelling and punctuation, but a quick review on your part will be a great help.
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I am an educator who is trained to reflect, not a rabbi or any type of halachic authority. These writings are in no way binding, and may not represent all approaches to and experiences in navigating grief. In fact, there will likely be those who disagree with me or can offer additional suggestions and reflections. For this reason, I am leaving the comments section open so that together as a community, we can broaden the scope of this blog to include a majority of human experience.
One important request: Please be respectful in posting your comments and be sure to frame your tips in the most positive phrasing possible. I reserve the right to delete any unkind comments and plan to update the original posts occasionally to include additional insights and reflections from our combined experience.