It's time for a pause in the midst of a busy week.
Tonight is the 24th of Av, otherwise known from now on as my father's yortzeit - Mordechai Yosef ben Shmuel. Six years ago my father suddenly, inescapably and irrevocably reminded me of the date of my Hebrew birthday - כה׳ אב - henceforth known as "The Day After..."
The day after my world stood still and then shattered with a phone call.
The day after I became "that girl saying Kaddish on the single's shabbaton" and deprived my husband of the chance to know his father in law.
The day after I learned how fragile the life is and how little we can predict the future.
Except that this year, this day caught me off guard. We've been celebrating my son's second birthday - a party that's taking over the better part of the week (and more ;)). And with my mind so occupied, the date on the calendar was only 2 dimensional. Of course I went through the motions (candle prepped and childcare arrangements made), but my heart was not really there... yet.
But after toddler bedtime it was time to take a deep breath. To sit down and think about what I've learned since last year and gather my thoughts.
Of course he's never that far from my mind... How many thousands of questions have I wanted to ask my dad this year... (Did he ever see the movie Ratatouille?) How many times have I thought of Zayde while brushing his grandson's teeth (Open open open... nice job, Zayde would be so proud!)?
It gets easier with time.. and also harder with the passing of time and the distance in time since our last conversation... I can't believe that life has gone on without my dad, and yet I'm so grateful for the blessings that have come my way in the last six years.
Since that moment, I am irrevocably changed; I recognize that life is unpredictable and I won't make promises to my son that I cannot be sure to keep.
In some ways this pause in the midst of a business as usual reminds me of that awful moment 6 years ago when everything came crashing to a halt. On the other hand, I recognize how important it is to take this time to reflect and remember. And I'm thinking I need to do more in the future to prepare myself for these moments of reflection and memory.
I miss you, Dad.
Yhi zichrcha baruch - may your memory be a blessing and may I be strong enough to continue to make it so.
