This is a pubic service announcement for all men who choose to sit in the
women’s section out of convenience, comfort, curiosity, or just sheer ignorance.
You may never have thought about it before and your sitting in the women’s
section may be completely accidental on one particular day - but it matters.
Or you may be someone who likes to spread out, and you see a whole empty (for now)
section where you won’t have to share a row with another man. But the fact that
so many men seem to make this choice on a regular basis truly baffles me.
In many Orthodox synagogues, men have 75-90% of the space at their disposal
on a weekday, so I wonder why some decide to also claim the tiny corner reserved
for us women.
To all of you, I ask this question:
Have you (man) ever stopped to consider how your choice could affect the
women for whom that section is designated?
Please take a moment and try to imagine how you might feel if, already
running late for Mourner’s Kaddish, you arrive at shul and need to
displace one (or several) men from the women’s section in order to join the service.
Outcome:
- Those few moments of movement may prevent you from reciting the Kaddish!
- The discomfort of the encounter itself may last a few moments into
your prayer, affecting your mood and your ability to focus on the words and your intention.
- Now imagine if that woman was your own mother or sister or wife or daughter...
And when this happens again and again, it takes a toll.
After 4 months of Kaddish, there are probably about an equal number of times
that my simple presence has displaced men from the women’s section as not.
I’ve tried to be polite and non-judgemental about it, asking “Is this the Women’s
Section?” when I arrive, instead of “Can you (man) please move from this section
designated for me (woman) so I can stand here to say Kaddish for my father.”
But after five encounters in the last two days, I’m tired of being subtle. From now on,
I plan to ask the men WHY they choose to sit in the women’s section.
Here’s a tip:
If you can’t answer that question with something other than “Oops” (really?!) or “I was
going to move when you got here” (not helpful) -- or anything that will make me feel better
about displacing you by my simple presence and potentially missing the Mourner’s
Kaddish that I came to recite… well, please, please, PLEASE… just DON’T sit in the
women’s section!
Final note to all the men out there who want to help:
Please spread the word among members of your gender and help reserve the
women’s section for women. We may not always manage to arrive at the beginning
of the service, but it’s doubly hard to run late and then negotiate for a place
to stand. Your help with keeping the women’s section clear of men will be
invaluable to all women who ever enter a synagogue to pray.
I suggest you ask the rabbi and Gabbai to announce it and enforce it. Word of mouth won’t do it.
ReplyDeleteThank you! In certain places, I have already brought this up to the leadership and I know they will take the concerns seriously. But just imagine if every man reading this post took upon himself to help reserve the women's section for the women... It would make a powerful impact!
DeleteI've heard about this problem, and am very grateful not to have experienced it more than once or twice. But it disgusts me. (Also, men who walk into the women's section when there are already women there, to get something, take a shortcut, or worst of all- talk to their wife! Unless I can walk my daughter through the men's section to get to her father, just don't. (As you know- I'm fine with mixed seating- but not if it's only on One side of the mechitza...)
ReplyDeleteI'm So sorry this has been happening to you. And if you have the emotional energy/it's a place where there is clergy, I'd say that telling the clergy that this is an on-going problem that you're having is worthwhile- they have additional tools available for dealing with this issue, so you hopefully have to deal with it less often.
Thanks for your comments! In this case, it was 3 different shuls in the 2 days, and all parties seemed genuinely apologetic and/or left immediately on my arrival. The way I see it, it could be that men don't understand how their behavior impacts women's experience.
DeleteAfter writing this post, I also discussed the situation with some friends off line and came to the conclusion that my feelings of guilt at displacing these men were unwarranted - they do know better, as one even told me he was planning to move as soon as any woman arrives. The remaining issue is my discomfort with making a scene and the fact that sometimes I'm delayed from entering the section when a man is leaving, which prevents me from beginning my davening upon arrival. So far it has not yet interfered with Kaddish, and for that I guess I'm very lucky.
I can definitely relate to this. I'm currently saying Kaddish for my father and grandmother, and my mother recently finished saying Kaddish for her mother. She encountered similar problems, as well as sometimes going to minyan and there not being a man saying Kaddish so she couldn't say it by herself, or the mechitza not always being set up correctly. Sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Yosi. I'm sorry to hear you are part of the club. I generally try to arrive early to make sure the gabbai knows I'm there to say kaddish (I created "Kaddish Cards-stay tuned for a future post on these) - but it's not a guarantee. Sometimes a man will step up and say kaddish with me - in one setting, a man says kaddish every day on behalf of another woman, and has been kind enough to slow down slightly so I can recite the kaddish (quietly) along with him.
ReplyDeleteMay you and your family be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.