A Club No One Wants to Join

The experience of loss is jarring.  Whether preceded by a long illness or a sudden, unexpected parting, it is impossible for the survivors to return to a place of blythe ignorance of the pain induced by the mourning process.

What I learned from my own experience of mourning for my father makes me feel both more hesitant and more determined to do my part in offering comfort when the time arises.  

As a friend commented to me in the aftermath of losing her father, "the worst possible thing has happened - how can there be any more sorrow left in the world!"  So true.  It is unthinkable that so much pain can exist, and knowledge and understanding of the toll my own pain took and the road I've had to travel since only makes such news even harder to bear.

I know I cannot comprehend anyone else's feelings of grief and loss.  There are so many many human variables at play.  

And yet, I feel. 

From the other side of the curtain, I find myself tearing up at news of the death of a stranger's aged parent.  I cry for a bereft adult child who has lost a parental confident after many years of love and support.  And I cannot fathom the loss endured by young children with so many milestones to be experienced in the absence of a beloved parent.  And other unspeakable losses... There are no words.

And yet, I feel. 

I feel news of loss more deeply and more keenly than I ever did.  Making it simultaneously easier to empathize and harder to offer comfort, because I know that platitudes are not helpful.  

It is a painful conundrum. 

I cannot offer happy hopes that the pain will swiftly go away... because I know it will not.  I cannot visit a shiva house without experiencing flashbacks of my own period of intense grief and I wish with all my heart that there was any kind of fix - something I could offer that would make a real impact and lesson the pain of the other.  And yet, when I was sitting shiva, I found the greatest comfort from those whose faces showed that they understood - and my heart cried for them too.  

The experience of losing a family member inducts you into a club that no one wants to join - and even so, we are lucky that Jewish tradition offers beautiful mechanisms such as shiva, kaddish & community/shabbat meals, etc. to help us connect to each other.   I feel truly grateful to have found support from my community during my most difficult time and I hope that my experience has, in some way, helped others to find some solace from their own pain.  And in my heart of hearts, I wish I could close the club membership so no one would experience further loss or pain.  At least not until 120 years. 

What Can I Do To Help?

"Kids, when your best friend loses someone, you drop everything and rush to his side, only to find yourself standing there with no idea what to do or say."  
                  - Episode: "Last Words," How I Met Your Mother 


It's hard to know how to help, even if you have experienced loss before.  Every loss is different and every person grieves differently, but there are some concrete steps you can offer in an attempt to ease the difficult time.  Just remember that not all gestures will be accepted and appreciated by everyone, so tread forward with care and sensitivity. 

During Shiva:

• Pay a shiva call.  
• You don't have to say anything at all.  Your presence alone will show the mourner you care and they will talk to you (or not talk) as the spirit moves them.
• Your simple presence brings much comfort in this time, whether you are a close friend or a more distant connection.    
•  Send in a meal.
• Be advised - some Shiva homes are overwhelmed with offers of food and meals, while others have fewer connections reaching out to help.  Try to find out the lay of the land - who is coordinating, what meals are needed for the week.  
• Aim for variety and/or try to find out what foods the mourners prefer - healthy, dessert, snacks, drinks, cut vegetables, etc.  Try to help mourner retain normal eating routine, though eating may be a challenge at this time.  Don't be offended if your offer is not accepted or enjoyed in the way that you hoped.
•  Offer to coordinate offers of assistance or help direct offers to the Point Person.
• For meal planning, there are websites that can help with this: mealtrain.com or TakeThemAMeal.com.  
• There should be a point person coordinating orders of this nature as well as the mourners' needs throughout the week, re: minyan, shopping, food, medical concerns, etc.   
• Once you know who the point person is, help direct other friends to that person so the offers of help can be coordinated in a way that is constructive without adding unnecessary extra work. 

After Shiva

Note: the mourner will need support for a long time to come.  Here are some actions that can be taken throughout the year and years to follow.

• Put a note in your calendar several months out to reach out.  
• There is often a beautiful outpouring of help offered to mourners during Shiva and even during the weeks of the Shloshim.  However, as life gets back to normal, people fall back into usual routines and the outreach grows much more scarce.
• Phone calls throughout the year are welcome and appreciated because they help the mourner feel the support of the community, while they are still grieving for their lost relative. 
• Don't be hurt if the phone call is not returned immediately.  I received many emails/calls/texts/facebook messages/etc. during Shiva and after.  I have not forgotten the feelings they engendered, nor the people who sent them.  Each one helped me to feel the love of my friends and community, even if I was unable to respond in what most would call a "reasonable timeframe."  
• Assist or keep them company during routine household tasks.
• I found challenges in accomplishing things that once came easily, which lasted for months after shiva.  
• Organizing paperwork, paying bills, cleaning my apartment, planning meals, shopping, laundry, and even returning phone calls might have been easier with someone nearby, encouraging me to put one foot in front of the other.  
• Go ahead and offer to assist with a specific task, but don't be offended if this offer is not accepted.  It may be embarrassing for the mourner to ask for this kind of assistance, or it may not even cross the mourner's mind (it didn't for me except once or twice for big projects), but when I did have the company, it was very helpful.  
•  Perform or help with a specific task: 
• example: "I'm going to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. this afternoon.  What can I pick up for you?"
• or even suggest specific items: "Can I bring you Orange Juice, toilet paper, Advil, etc."  
•  Company for a minyan.  
• For both men and women saying Kaddish, this is not an easy step, especially in the first days, and company can be helpful for moral support.
• Note - for myself, I always appreciated the company, even when I was simultaneously concerned that my saying Kaddish - so painful for me - might also be painful to my friends who had not yet experienced loss.  I was afraid to make others hurt on my behalf (it is still difficult for my mother to hear me recite the Kaddish). 
• Attending minyan with a friend in mourning is a kind, generous gift, just prepare in advance for the emotional impact both on you and on them. 
•  Go out for a walk, a museum, a drink.
• Find out what restrictions the mourner is observing during the period of Aveilut and find an activity that falls within accepted parameters.  
• Distractions are good (at least they were for me).
• Allow the conversation to flow.
• Note - grief is different than depression.  The mourner need not (should not) be focused exclusively on their loss all the time.   Moments will come that trigger strong emotions of sadness, but mourners will experience a full range of emotion throughout the year.  
• It is not necessary to continually redirect the conversation to focus on the loss or ask how the mourner is feeling.  Asking what the mourner is doing at the moment will allow the mourner to guide the conversation in the direction that best suits their mood.
• Allow them to enjoy moments when they do not focus on their absent loved one - the moments when they do remember will be plentiful enough. 
• Invitations to Shabbat meals or to spend a Shabbat/holiday at your home.
• The mourner may feel lonely at times, especially around Shabbat and holidays.  Even if the offer is not accepted (for whatever reason - prior obligation, etc.), the invitation will help the mourner feel loved, wanted and appreciated.  
• Exercise.
• Offer to go out for a run, attend an aerobics, yoga, spin class, or something you know is in the mourner's ballpark.  
• Setting aside time and motivation to work out can be challenging, as time seems to take on new meaning and move slower/differently than before the loss.  Helping to encourage healthy routines (in a pleasant, friendly way) and offering your company & moral support may be appreciated.  

A Word of Caution:  
While we know you mean well, sometimes open-ended offers are hard to accept.  Here are two phrases I heard very often...  and how they often landed, especially early on.  If you have used these words in the past, don't waste time feeling bad.  Just please keep these nuances in mind for the future.

[Reposting from "What to Say (and Not to Say)"

• “Let me know how I can help.”  
• I know you mean well, but now I have to a) remember that you offered, b) think about your want/need to help me, c) find a job for you, d) look up your phone # or contact info, and e) reach out and ask you to do it.  You really want to help?  Call me with a specific offer.  I’ll know you’re there and willing to help and will be more likely to either give you a job right then or think of you later when I need the same job done.  Remember, I don’t know yet what I’ll need to get me through the next days and weeks and months, and the needs may change and evolve with time.  Please don’t be offended if I don’t take you up on this well-intentioned offer.
• “Call me if you need anything or want to talk.”
• Ditto above. The sentiment is sweet it's hard for me to keep track of all these generous offers. For now, checking in every so often and asking what I'm up to (rather than how I'm doing) will be much appreciated.]

These are just a few ways to help... throughout the year and beyond.  Use this list as a jumping off point for brainstorming additional ideas.  Please feel free to share them in the comments.  The more we gather, the more equipped we will all be to support those in our community when the need arises.

Food Serving and Storage During Shiva

Part of the shiva experience is the community mobilizing to send in meals for the mourners and their families.  Friends and non-immediate relatives take care of serving the meals and managing the kitchen, while the mourners receive comfort from callers.  The amount of food gifts can be overwhelming, and if not treated strategically, can spoil and crowd the refrigerator.  

~Some tips:

• All scheduling and planning of meals should go through one point person.  There are online tools such as www.takethemameal.com that can assist with this process.  For all gifts, be sure to record both
• the type of food expected/received (to plan some variety) and
• the names of those who sent it (for acknowledgement purposes)
• Don’t leave the freezing and food storage for the end of the week - things will spoil - once the next meal arrives at the home, left overs from previous meal should be frozen right away in portions appropriate to the family size
• Make sure to remind the mourners to drink throughout the day - shiva is exhausting and the mourners are not focused on their bodily needs. Have available cold bottles of water, glasses with ice, coffee, gatorade, etc. and distribute regularly.
• Plan designated meal times spaced reasonably around services so that mourners have time to chew and swallow some food without being inundated by visitors.  Note that eating may be onerous for the mourner during this time… try not to rush the meal if possible.   You may want to post specific times for visitors and specific times for family privacy.  If these are listed outside a locked front door, visitors will know when to return.

For those involved with organizing the shiva house, you can find a shopping list here for some items you will want to have on hand.

Shopping List for a Shiva House

When my grandfather passed away, my relatives looked at each other and said “make sure we have lots of toilet paper.”  I didn’t understand what they meant until I saw the sheer numbers of people who visited for condolence calls, not to mention relatives and friends who arrived to help out and sleep over…

Here’s a short list of supplies you will likely need right away:

• Tissues
• Toilet Paper
• Press and Seal -- this ziplock product is great for covering mirrors (as well as useful for food storage)
• Paper goods: cups, plates, bowls, napkins, plastic silverware
• Garbage Bags
• Post-Its or Sharpie Marker to label food items (with contents and date)

Additional items to consider:

• Bottled water, Gatorade, Coffee
• Sleeping Aids (Melatonin, Tylenol PM or prescription)
• Ziplock Bags/ Containers for food storage

Ritual items can often be obtained through a synagogue or funeral home. These include a 7 day candle, low chairs for mourners, extra chairs for visitors, siddurim (prayer books), a Torah, etc. You may want to have a Tzedakah Box on hand to receive charitable donations during the minyan. In addition, a notepad to keep track of meals sent in and any money received for messages left for the mourners.

Saying Kaddish as an Orthodox Woman in a Shiva House

Regardless how liberally minded one is, if she connects to the Orthodox arena, she will never have recited kaddish before… not once.  According to Halacha (Jewish law), Kaddish is one of three prayers that are considered D’varim She’B’kdusha, which require a minyan (quorum of ten men) to recite.  Therefore, these prayers are omitted from Women’s Tefilah services that involve women only, and always led by men in the presence of a minyan.  (The other prayers are Barchu and Kedusha).  

The experience of reciting Kaddish aloud, in a mixed setting, and waiting for a response from that same mixed group of people can feel shocking, surreal, uncomfortable and any number of other emotions.

^ Clergy should be cognizant of looking out to make sure the woman reciting Kaddish has the correct place in the siddur, knows when to begin and how to proceed, and helping to set an appropriate pace for the rest of the congregants who are reciting the Mourners Kaddish.  The woman’s voice will likely not be loud enough (by nature or by design) to rise above those of the men and demand attention.

~ Friends can help by standing nearby and offering moral support and a response where warranted.

~ If you are in shul and a woman is saying Kaddish, turn toward them, or even sit closer.  There’s a good chance they will welcome your proximity - I know I have.

Uncomfortable Experiences to Be Prepared For:

• “Yechupitzville, Population One”: Standing by oneself on the far side of the room from the rest of the minyan (in lieu of a mechitza).  Even well-meaning close relatives who love you may not understand how it feels to be deported to Siberia.  
• ~ friends visiting a shiva house where a woman is saying kaddish can make an extra effort to stand near her (or as close as is comfortable if they are male) to offer moral support.  
• “What am I, chopped liver?”: Watching any male mourners surrounded by supportive community members for the recitation of the first Kaddish, while you are left alone to fend for yourself.
• Hat tip to my neighbor who noticed me standing with a siddur, intending to recite the kaddish, and made a point of standing near me to help me find the right page and offer moral support while I worked my way along.
• “Yoohoo, I’m over here!”: attracting attention of those leading the minyan to submit the name of a “sick or recovering relative or friend” for a Misheberach (prayer for the sick).  This is especially tricky if everyone in the room is hard of hearing…
• “You’ve got to be kidding!”: waking up early to get to minyan in time for the early kaddish (~2 minutes after start time) only to have it skipped due to lack of minyan (bring tissues for such an occasion, especially first day out of the house after shiva).  
• A few tips and tricks:
• Keep a stack of post-its and a pen nearby
• Write the name of the sick friend on a Post-It and leave strategically around the room before the service begins (keep an extra stack nearby for when those Post-Its you placed are not found when needed)
• Use your speaking voice - when the men announce "kaddish!" from a huddle reminiscent of football practice, call out “What page?!”  That will remind them you are present and perhaps inspire them to wait for you to catch up.  Otherwise you may never find the place in time.  

What to Say (and What Not To Say)

Before I continue, I want to say that I appreciated every single visit, phone call, text, email, Facebook chat and comment, WhatsApp message, virtual hug and telepathic communication I received during shiva and beyond.  It was nothing less than an inundation of love and caring that helped to add a cushion to a very difficult time.  

I also recognize that many people feel uncomfortable when faced with someone else’s loss and do not know what to say in consolation.  It’s a tricky time when emotions run high, and well intentioned comments may come with a sting.  

For this reason, I want to use this space to offer some tips to those fortunately uninitiated into the club of loss and those who struggle to find the right words when words feel so terribly inadequate.  Note: if you have used any of the phrases on the “Don’t Say” list in the past, don’t waste time feeling badly.  I know that your words were well meant and I will never hold it against you… there’s also a chance it gave me a much needed laugh (not at your expense, but at the words themselves).  Don’t look back; just move forward and choose from the “Say” list in the future.

Here’s a great article from the New York Times, published the day after I got up from Shiva.  Many of its recommendations are on point.  My personal suggestions are below: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/24/smarter-living/condolence-letters-how-to.html

Here’s What You Can Say:

• “May your memories bring you comfort.”
• “May you find comfort among family and friends.”
• “May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
• “I don’t know what to say.”
• Just say my name.
• “Can I give you a hug?” (good idea to ask first, not everyone will accept)
• Nothing at all… just sit and be there with me.
• Tell me a story about my father that I don’t know… or remind me of a shared memory.
• Ask me about my father or if I want to show you a picture.
• Remind me who you are…
• I want to remember, I really do.  Seeing your familiar face means the world to me at this moment.  
• Please don’t be offended if I can’t recall your name right away… my brain is on overload.  I promise, it’s not personal.
• Walk up to me with confidence.  
• It’s a sad moment, but I promise not to bite you for walking through the door.  I am glad you came.  Don’t forget that I’m still me.  Please treat me like you would always treat me.  If you enter shyly or look uncomfortable, it will make me feel uncomfortable too.  
• “Thinking of you and sending a hug.”  (If you can’t be there in person)

Don’t Say:

• “I’m sorry about your loss.”  
• Do you think I misplaced him, like a missing sock?  Kind of hard to overlook a close family member.  (I know what you mean, but I found it more comforting to hear “I’m sorry about your father.”)
• Some feel that the word “loss” is too generic… personalizing the sentiment can help to comfort the person who is mourning (please do be sure to get it right, though).
• Better to be specific, though if you’re not sure who passed away, stick with generic loss.  Far better than mistakenly mentioning a relative that is still living.
• “I can’t imagine what you must be going through.”  
• I’m SO glad you don’t know and I don’t want you to try.  It’s bad enough that I know what I’m going through… your imaginings won’t help me and they’ll scare you.  My father said that the bad times will find us, “don’t waste time being afraid.”  
• Just be here for me.  You don’t have to say anything and you definitely don’t need to try to imagine what I'm feeling.
• "I'm sorry I didn't call/text/teleport/fax/etc."
• I know you mean well, but apologies are not necessary. I don't want to know what you were doing while I was hurting... your mentioning it just sends the memories rushing back.
• Focus on right now - use any phrases from the "say" list and then follow my lead about whether I want to talk about my loss or about something/anything else.
• “We’re short one (for a minyan).”  
• Of course we are - it’s a shiva house.  Watch your words please… this can bring back hurtful thoughts.  I’ll just go ahead and call my dad…. oh wait…  he’s not here… anymore.  Tissue please.  
• Figure out a better way of finding that last person for the minyan (note: I know your heart is in a good place… this is probably something you’ve never thought of before).
• “How are you doing?”  
• How do you think I’m doing?
• “What’s wrong?”
• Ditto above…
• “Baruch Dayan Emet (blessed is the true judge).”  
• This is the first blessing a mourner is allowed (forced) to recite after tearing clothes at the cemetery.  Please don’t throw those charged words back in my face… this is my tragedy, not yours, and you don’t get to cavalierly tell me what I should be thinking.
• You can say this when you hear bad news yourself… but saying it to the mourner in person or in writing is in poor taste (my humble opinion).
• “I hope you’re doing well.”  
• What’s wrong with you?
• “What happened, was he sick?”  
• Does it really matter?  
• How does making me rehash the horror help you (or me, for that matter)?
• If you want to know whether the death was sudden, try asking exactly that: “Did you have any warning?” This focuses on the mourner's experience rather than any extended illness or discomfort that preceded the death.
• Tell me all about your own tzuris (troubles).  
• No offense, but my brain is not in a place where it can take in anything beyond the immediate task of navigating grief.  
• Don’t be upset if later I don’t remember anything you say… it wasn’t the right time to share it anyway.
• “Let me know how I can help.”  
• I know you mean well, but now I have to a) remember that you offered, b) think about your want/need to help me, c) find a job for you, d) look up your phone # or contact info, and e) reach out and ask you to do it.  
• You really want to help?  Call me with a specific offer.  I’ll know you’re there and willing to help and will be more likely to either give you a job right then or think of you later when I need the same job done.  [See post: "What Can I Do To Help" for some constructive ideas.]
• Remember, I don’t know yet what I’ll need to get me through the next days and weeks and months, and the needs may change and evolve with time.  Please don’t be offended if I don’t take you up on this well intentioned offer.
• “Call me if you need anything or want to talk.”
• Ditto above.
• The sentiment is sweet, and if I ever get to make the list I intend to create of all the people who reached out with all of their generous, considerate offers, I'll make sure to make a note and reach out when I need to. In the meantime, checking in every so often and asking what I'm up to (rather than how I'm doing) will be much appreciated.
• “That's life.”  No it's not, it's death.  If you don't know, don't try to tell me… (I'm SO glad you don't know.  Still, don't tell me.)
• “Things happen for a reason.”  Were you trying to make me feel guilty?  I feel badly enough already… and if given the choice between your “reason” and my father, I’d choose my father.  But no one gave me a choice….  Go philosophize out of my earshot.

Tips for the mourner:

• Think about what YOU want to talk about during the Shiva and deflect the conversation in that direction. Personally, I wanted to collect as many stories about my father as I could.
• (I also wrote them down in a notebook and told the visitors I was doing so - this helped me alleviate some of the fear that I would forget.  Someone else I know used a tape recorder to preserve stories about his father.)
• Prepare a quick and pithy response to the inevitable questions about cause of death (and other annoying questions), then redirect the conversation toward your own goals.
• When people offer to help, tell them to check in with you in a month or two.  You can even start assigning 2-3 people to give you a call in a specific month by giving them a concrete assignment: “Please take me for a walk in September” or “Let’s meet for dinner in October”
• You may need to remind people that you’re not yet able to make specific plans, but if they check in as time goes on, you’ll appreciate it, and have a better idea of your needs.
• Don’t offer this invitation to someone whose company you will not appreciate.
• Direct people toward a friend or friends who can coordinate on your behalf concrete things such as meals, company for minyanim, walks, etc.

Again, these tips are meant to make the consolation process a bit easier for all concerned and should in no way be taken as a criticism... by anyone. I appreciated all the outreach I received and continued to receive, and will always remember the love and caring that surrounded me and helped me move through the darkest moment of my life.