Holidays - Prepare To Be Unprepared (The First Chanukah Without Dad)

Everyone says that moments of remembering can hit at the most unexpected times. I am finding this to be very true.

In hindsight, I guess that I should have expected the wave of sadness that hit me in the middle of lighting Chanukah candles this first year. I called home like I always do, with the intention of keeping my mom company as we lit the candles together across the distance. Intellectually I knew the facts on the ground, but I didn’t stop to think about the implications for this favorite tradition. In the middle of singing the blessings, though, I remembered that singing all six verses of “Maoz Tzur” was a special ritual my dad and I shared every year. My voice broke. It was hard to continue. Realizing that I would not hear his voice this year caught me by surprise - even though I well knew the reality. It was somewhat comforting to sing his own improvised tune to “Hanerot Halalu,” but truth be told, it is nearly impossible to sing and cry at the same time.

Holidays present an extra challenge for our grief, especially during the first year. Just as we need to get accustomed to the new reality of the absence of our loved one during daily routines, we need to find a new normal for holiday celebrations. The challenge is that these “special occasions” are more memorable for the traditions they invoke and more poignant for their lack of frequency.  This means we have less opportunity to practice adjusting to the change.

I’d like to offer suggestions for how to prepare for the moments that catch us off guard… but I can’t. At least not after only 4 months in this new reality.

The best I can do is take the moments as they come and remember that the tears are a reflection of my love for my father. I guess like finding new love, remembering also happens when we least expect. Those we love impact our lives in more ways than we can count; their presence in our lives constitutes such a powerful part of who we are that moments large and small will trigger emotions both at times we can anticipate and at times we can’t.


If I could offer any advice to myself and others in the future, it would be this:

Holidays can be hard. Especially at first.

Treasure and savor the memories, but don’t miss out on making new ones.
Take pictures and enjoy the company of those around you.

And carry tissues… because there really is no way to prepare to be unprepared.

Food Serving and Storage During Shiva

Part of the shiva experience is the community mobilizing to send in meals for the mourners and their families.  Friends and non-immediate relatives take care of serving the meals and managing the kitchen, while the mourners receive comfort from callers.  The amount of food gifts can be overwhelming, and if not treated strategically, can spoil and crowd the refrigerator.  

~Some tips:

• All scheduling and planning of meals should go through one point person.  There are online tools such as www.takethemameal.com that can assist with this process.  For all gifts, be sure to record both
• the type of food expected/received (to plan some variety) and
• the names of those who sent it (for acknowledgement purposes)
• Don’t leave the freezing and food storage for the end of the week - things will spoil - once the next meal arrives at the home, left overs from previous meal should be frozen right away in portions appropriate to the family size
• Make sure to remind the mourners to drink throughout the day - shiva is exhausting and the mourners are not focused on their bodily needs. Have available cold bottles of water, glasses with ice, coffee, gatorade, etc. and distribute regularly.
• Plan designated meal times spaced reasonably around services so that mourners have time to chew and swallow some food without being inundated by visitors.  Note that eating may be onerous for the mourner during this time… try not to rush the meal if possible.   You may want to post specific times for visitors and specific times for family privacy.  If these are listed outside a locked front door, visitors will know when to return.

For those involved with organizing the shiva house, you can find a shopping list here for some items you will want to have on hand.

*Sharing the News - Some Perspectives on When & How

As someone who values my privacy and prefers not to be the center of attention, I was initially reluctant to share the news of my father’s death beyond a small circle of close friends.  I struggled with whom to tell, when, how, and in what way.  Shocked by the suddenness of it all, at first I shared with only a few close friends.  As the day went on, and reality started to slowly seep in, I decided to share the news with my synagogue community and eventually a post on Facebook.  

In retrospect, these were the best decisions.  My choice to publicly share my sad news allowed friends from elementary school, teachers from high school and even recent beaux to come to shiva to pay their respects.  The outpouring of love from both close and distant acquaintances helped to add a cushion to the most difficult period of my life.  I am grateful to all who reached out to offer comfort, and all the more grateful that I gave them that chance by spreading the word.  

How Friends and Clergy Can Help

~ Ask before sharing news to make sure mourner is prepared to respond to outpouring of sympathy.

~ Suggest communities where the information can be posted (synagogue groups, schools, clubs and social organizations)

~ Offer to take on the role of notifying others on behalf of the bereaved

~ Take a moment to read through and edit any information sent to you by the mourner... they may not have the headspace to check spelling and punctuation, but a quick review on your part will be a great help.

Shopping List for a Shiva House

When my grandfather passed away, my relatives looked at each other and said “make sure we have lots of toilet paper.”  I didn’t understand what they meant until I saw the sheer numbers of people who visited for condolence calls, not to mention relatives and friends who arrived to help out and sleep over…

Here’s a short list of supplies you will likely need right away:

• Tissues
• Toilet Paper
• Press and Seal -- this ziplock product is great for covering mirrors (as well as useful for food storage)
• Paper goods: cups, plates, bowls, napkins, plastic silverware
• Garbage Bags
• Post-Its or Sharpie Marker to label food items (with contents and date)

Additional items to consider:

• Bottled water, Gatorade, Coffee
• Sleeping Aids (Melatonin, Tylenol PM or prescription)
• Ziplock Bags/ Containers for food storage

Ritual items can often be obtained through a synagogue or funeral home. These include a 7 day candle, low chairs for mourners, extra chairs for visitors, siddurim (prayer books), a Torah, etc. You may want to have a Tzedakah Box on hand to receive charitable donations during the minyan. In addition, a notepad to keep track of meals sent in and any money received for messages left for the mourners.

Kaddish - A Daily Ordeal (and How Shuls Can Help)

Reciting kaddish daily after the death of a close family member can be trying at the best of times.  FIRST, there is the tetris challenge adjusting your schedule around changing minyan times.  THEN comes the feat of arriving at the start of services, which can be likened to running to catch a train three times a day.  FINALLY, there is the stress of keeping up with the chazzan, so as to be ready to recite the Mourner’s Kaddish in the appropriate places in the service.  While these three challenges are shared by all, after this point, the experience diverges for male and female mourners.  

Male mourners may be faced with the chiyuv, the obligation, to lead the service and catch a few extra kaddishes in memory of their loved one.  They may receive diverse feedback regarding the pacing, speed and volume of their performance, which can be confusing at best, or hurtful depending on how it is offered.

Female mourners have a different set of challenges.  On any given day, most of the following thoughts flit through my head during the service:

• OK, I’m here… I’ve entered (or found, or constructed or negotiated for) the women’s section.  Will there be a minyan for the early kaddish?  
• Will there be anyone saying kaddish on the men’s side?  I don’t want to say kaddish aloud on my own unless I know that the Shul will support me in doing so.  
• Do I need to alert someone that I’m here to say kaddish?  How can I get their attention?
• Will I be able to hear the man’s kaddish? Will I be able to keep pace?
• What if I miss a beat and pause at different intervals than the others.  Will anyone answer to my kaddish? Or will I be greeted by silence?
• I wish I didn’t have to be sitting here alone.
• Oh good, company!  … but I hope she’s not here to say kaddish too...
• Oh no… glad to have company, so sad we have to meet under these circumstances.
• I don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb; it feels strange and uncomfortable to hear my voice in a shul service.
• Will they think I’m trying to make a “statement?”  
• I never asked for ANY of this!
• Gosh I miss my father…

How a Shul Can Be More Friendly to Women Saying Kaddish

• Ensure that men do not sit in the Women’s Section.
• Make sure that the Women’s Section is unlocked, with lights, air conditioning, and siddurim available to all who arrive at whatever time they arrive.
• Ask the male mourners (or at the very least one male mourner) to stand near the women’s section so any women saying kaddish can keep pace with him (it can be hard to hear a group scattered throughout the room and keep pace with one person).
• Arrange for someone on the men’s side to recite kaddish at the minyan every day, on behalf of anyone who needs to follow along (and may not make themselves known in advance).
• Delegate a gabbai, officer, or member at large to welcome women when they arrive and/or at least be available to notice if a woman tries to signal that she is there to recite kaddish.
• Create “notification cards” in the women’s section that can be passed to the rabbi or gabbai to notify them that a women is planning to recite kaddish at this minyan (so that the minyan can make whatever preparation necessary to ensure that kaddish is not skipped or rushed through).

How a Shul Can be More Accommodating to All Mourners

• Set a consistent pace:
• Designate one individual to recite Kaddish loudly and set the pace for all. This could be the Chazzan (Leader) or someone with a loud voice.
• Designate a central location from which Kaddish is recited by all (preferably near the woman's section so women can easily hear and keep pace).
• Announce "Kaddish" so that mourners can collectively begin at the same time.
• Make an effort to minimize talking during this time, as well as noises that emanate from movement (chair scratching, doors closing, etc.), because this makes it more difficult for mourners to hear each other and keep pace.

• Recommend that the Chazzan breathe (pause) before finishing Aleinu - to give those reciting Kaddish a chance to finish or come to a good stopping point before the Kaddish that follows.

• Have copies of both the Mourner's Kaddish and the Rabbi's Kaddish available separate from the siddur (so that a mourner arriving just in time has quick and easy access to the words).
• These pages can include transliteration for those who need and a note of when kaddish is recited by that specific minyan.

• A little preparation makes a big difference:
• Letting a new arrival know when during the service Kaddish is to be recited is very helpful (also managing expectations by giving a heads' up that there may not be a minyan for the first Kaddish will go a long way).
• Announcing page numbers (so the text can be quickly found).

• Encourage congregants to turn toward and respond when Kaddish is recited.

Saying Kaddish as an Orthodox Woman in a Shiva House

Regardless how liberally minded one is, if she connects to the Orthodox arena, she will never have recited kaddish before… not once.  According to Halacha (Jewish law), Kaddish is one of three prayers that are considered D’varim She’B’kdusha, which require a minyan (quorum of ten men) to recite.  Therefore, these prayers are omitted from Women’s Tefilah services that involve women only, and always led by men in the presence of a minyan.  (The other prayers are Barchu and Kedusha).  

The experience of reciting Kaddish aloud, in a mixed setting, and waiting for a response from that same mixed group of people can feel shocking, surreal, uncomfortable and any number of other emotions.

^ Clergy should be cognizant of looking out to make sure the woman reciting Kaddish has the correct place in the siddur, knows when to begin and how to proceed, and helping to set an appropriate pace for the rest of the congregants who are reciting the Mourners Kaddish.  The woman’s voice will likely not be loud enough (by nature or by design) to rise above those of the men and demand attention.

~ Friends can help by standing nearby and offering moral support and a response where warranted.

~ If you are in shul and a woman is saying Kaddish, turn toward them, or even sit closer.  There’s a good chance they will welcome your proximity - I know I have.

Uncomfortable Experiences to Be Prepared For:

• “Yechupitzville, Population One”: Standing by oneself on the far side of the room from the rest of the minyan (in lieu of a mechitza).  Even well-meaning close relatives who love you may not understand how it feels to be deported to Siberia.  
• ~ friends visiting a shiva house where a woman is saying kaddish can make an extra effort to stand near her (or as close as is comfortable if they are male) to offer moral support.  
• “What am I, chopped liver?”: Watching any male mourners surrounded by supportive community members for the recitation of the first Kaddish, while you are left alone to fend for yourself.
• Hat tip to my neighbor who noticed me standing with a siddur, intending to recite the kaddish, and made a point of standing near me to help me find the right page and offer moral support while I worked my way along.
• “Yoohoo, I’m over here!”: attracting attention of those leading the minyan to submit the name of a “sick or recovering relative or friend” for a Misheberach (prayer for the sick).  This is especially tricky if everyone in the room is hard of hearing…
• “You’ve got to be kidding!”: waking up early to get to minyan in time for the early kaddish (~2 minutes after start time) only to have it skipped due to lack of minyan (bring tissues for such an occasion, especially first day out of the house after shiva).  
• A few tips and tricks:
• Keep a stack of post-its and a pen nearby
• Write the name of the sick friend on a Post-It and leave strategically around the room before the service begins (keep an extra stack nearby for when those Post-Its you placed are not found when needed)
• Use your speaking voice - when the men announce "kaddish!" from a huddle reminiscent of football practice, call out “What page?!”  That will remind them you are present and perhaps inspire them to wait for you to catch up.  Otherwise you may never find the place in time.  

*Kaddish at the Funeral - know before you go (if possible)

The kaddish recited at the funeral is longer, more complex, and different from every other kaddish that is recited.  It is only recited at the funeral, by the mourners (immediate family), and should be taken very slowly.  

^ Clergy should be cognizant that some of the mourners may be encountering kaddish for the first time, and give some guidance regarding

• when to begin
• how fast to recite
• where to find the text (before the train leaves the station).